Our Values

• We have one great rule which governs our actions - 'Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!' as old Nicholas used to say, and we believe it!
• Unlike the patrician 'One Nation' Tories of old, we're the new tough guys on the block, and our block's Westminster. And the South East of England. The rest could go and fly kites if we didn't need cheap labour. We still need Scotland for the oil revenues though, and they should be more grateful!
• We want a populace who can't think for themselves. Then they won't be able to work out how we're fooling them. We're already able to sell off their assets to our friends at knock-down prices. The payoff is not necessarily cash. We recently got free mailing lists from some of the privatised utilities, for example - no cash changed hands - no need to declare anything! And they're worth a lot of money to us too!
• The Conservatory Party is for people who look after their own interests.

• (Contributed by 'Young Conservatory of the Year', Toby Thugg.)

Press Section

• Our Press Department is divided into two sections - 1. For Us and 2. Against Us.
• If you are in the former category (Daily Mail, Evening Standard), you will receive full support, including copious quantities of intoxicating beverages and cordon bleu meals from our extensive Propaganda Department.
• If you fall into the latter category (Guardian, Observer, Daily Mirror), or are not mentioned, you can jolly well queue up outside. We are presently unsure of some former category 1 papers (Sun, Times, Telegraph), so they have been reclassified Category 2 until further notice.

• (Contributed by William J. Goebbels, Press Advisor)

Diary of Events

• The next General Election will be on 22 May, 1997. Or again it might be on 6th March, 10th April, or 8th May. John isn't sure yet. We'll let you know when I've told him. It will definitely not be on 20th May - that's a Tuesday.

• (Contributed by Dr. Brian Mawhinney MP)

How to Join

• If you believe in looking after yourself then joining our Party is a natural extension of your commitment. You may want to help just by paying a subscription ... or you may want to get more involved. The choice is yours. Whatever your level of commitment, you will have made a valuable contribution to our party. The personal rewards can be great. Our Emoluments Consultant, Sir Michael Grylls, will be happy to advise you just how profitable membership can be.
  
  
• Horace and Lynda Pooter
  
• "We both come from families with a Labour background. But we realised at the early age of three that, if we wanted to get on, only the Conservatories look after the interests of everyone significant who supports them - and in the world of today family loyalties are a thing of the past. Becoming members of the Conservatory Party was our way of helping to exploit our local community without risk of getting caught."
  
  
• Euphemia Dogbreath
  
• "I joined the Conservatories because I believe in their kind of Britain. Also, I enjoy meeting other people, something which is so easy to do in the friendly atmosphere of the Conservatory Party. And I'm pretty easy to do too!"
  
  
• The Rt. Hon. John Major MP
  Prime Minister, Leader of the Conservatory Party
  
• "Why join the Conservatories? What do we stand for that others don't? (Bribery, Corruption, Sale of Honours, Fat Cats, Foreign Donations) Let me tell you why I joined.
• "I joined at sixteen when I left school. I shared the Conservatory vision for a better, more pliant Britain. I wunted people to be able to take the important decisions in their lives (under guidance). I wunted to give them more choice and the chance to make the most out of every little opportunity that came their way, and leave the bigger ones for our friends.
• "Today, thanks to Conservatory reforms, that vision is becoming a reality. We have more ownership (and less stewardship) - more people owning their own home (remember that you could lose your home if you fail to keep up with mortgage payments), more people owning a stake in Britain. (to support the blanket over their cardboard box) More choice - choice of school, choice in what's left of public services. More opportunity to make easy money - occasional opportunities to go to college, to work for McDonald's, no matter what your background."
• "Those are our values. Those are our beliefs. If you share them, join the Conservatories"
• The Conservatory Party is so much cheaper to join than the other main parties - just think how much you can save - and be a member of a real political party as well! Join now!

• (Contributed by the Marketing Dept.)

What's What at Westminster

• Money - that's what. All our services are available to constituency party members, after rigorous security checks. They are also available to other persons, companies and governments of whatever origin or nationality, in accordance with the scale of charges below. Certain services are available free to potential supporters in marginal constituencies. Not all Conservatory MPs offer such services, so please check with US first, before contacting your MP. Failure to do so could result in prosecution.

• Here's what we offer:
  

• * at 30% of improved salary/ share option surrender value.
• ¶ or at 25% of difference between pre- and post-sale valuation, where this is greater.
  
• We give a 12½% discount on cash contributions in brown envelopes.

• Look what some of our donors have to say:

• "Excellent service - exceeded my expectations. Our cleansing operation went extremely well thanks to our donation." - S. Milosevic
• "We got British Caledonian with very little bother!" - Lord King
  
  
• Make your donation NOW!
  
• (Contributed by M.N. Hamilton MP)

Constituency Section

• We're anything but constipated here at the Conservatory Party! Many people, particularly the poor and weak, are really frightened by our policies. But they don't really count because they can't, thanks to our education policies! If you're on the lookout for yourself and you'd like to be part of this great movement for change, join your local Conservatory Party now!

• (Contributed by our Membership Officer)

Party Organisation and Finance

Youth Section

• Girls! Girls! Girls!
  

• We want the Conservatory Party to be a real cool place to be. Recruiting good looking girls and boys (if that's what you fancy) into the Conservatory Party is a worthwhile thing. That way, we can keep everything 'in the family' so to speak, as many of our Conservatory MPs enjoy a minor peccadillo now and again. And the youngsters benefit too - just think how much influence they can bring to bear.
• Only problem so far is that there's a queue for 'The Spice Girls' at the moment. Oh well, my turn next!

• (Contributed by Alan Clarke)

• More Seriously ...
• The process of voting in British general elections is very simple. Voters take the list of candidates into a private voting booth and place a cross against the name of the candidate they have decided to vote for. The voter then folds up the list - called a ballot paper - and places it in a ballot box ready to be counted. The candidate who obtains the most votes becomes the MP for the constituency. That's how we can run the country when only 40% of the voters vote for us. Clever eh?
• Each voter can vote for only one candidate, each of whom normally represents a political party. Always remember to vote for the Conservatory candidate.
• Who can vote?
  
• Anyone over the age of 18 can vote in Britain as long as they are a British citizen and are registered in a local constituency. British people living overseas are also entitled to vote, as are Irish and Commonwealth citizens who are resident in Britain. However, members of the House of Lords, certain categories of criminal and people who are certified as insane are not allowed to vote. We are presently passing a bill through the House which will make membership of any party other than ours certifiable.

Humour Department

• 'When our backs are against the wall we shall turn around and fight!'
  
• - J. Major

The Arts

• We didn't really intend including anything on the arts, but on second thoughts we thought we'd better.
• Our policy towards the arts is guided by the following criteria:
  1. To ensure that only those artists (including musicians, composers, poets, sculptors et al) who can afford to pay for their training, achieve recognition. We do not want such merit and status to be the province of penniless. scrounging morons who have the audacity to assume the roles of 'the great artists'.
  2. In tandem with (1) above, we only want to help those artists who share our monetarist, elitist, insular visions for Great Britain. We intend to be especially supportive of those people, irrespective of talent, from South Eastern England, particularly London.
  3. To remove the burden of State funding for the arts, by privatising the respective Arts Councils of England, Wales and Scotland. As well as saving a considerable sum of taxpayers' money, it will ensure a more healthy, safe artistic mediocrity resulting from policies guided by the well-known formula of 'He who pays the piper calls the tune'.
• (Contributed by Sir Aubrey Philistine, Chief Administrator, Department of National Heritage)

The Messmaker

• There's nothing here because 'The Messmaker' made a mess of their contribution.

Scottish Conservatories

• The Scottish Conservatories are known as 'rogues'. They have a long and dishonourable history, first defined by no less than Robert Burns:
  Here are a couple of examples:
  

Acknowledgements

• The colour scheme for these pages was designed by Sir Pellinore Bumpe-Grynde, who donated the following:
  • 'Dysentery Green' Foreground Colour
  • Backdrop Graphic 'Scatterboke with Carrot', from his painting of the same name, currently in the possession of the Rev. William J. Connolly, MA Oxon.
• We are grateful for any donations.